Fatherhood is one of the most joyous challenges I have ever experienced. Being a parent is immensely rewarding, but it can also be terrifying. What does it take to raise happy, healthy children in general? As a father, what role should I play in raising four strong, resilient women? Honestly, I can’t say I have all the answers nor tell you precisely how to can raise healthy children. However, I can share what I think worked in my relationship with my daughters. Use any or all of these strategies, as they apply, to enrich your experience as a girl dad.
Let the Transformative Love In
The bond between children and parents is special. It’s the strongest kind of connection that nature gives human beings. We would die for our children and give up everything we have to make sure they’re safe. Because of this, having children is a transformative experience in itself. No matter how selfish you thought you were before your child was born, that self-centered perspective will be drastically diminished, or even eliminated completely, once you hold your child in your arms for the first time. From that point on, nothing in the world (including yourself) matters as much as they do.
One of the best things you can do for yourself and your child is to allow this love to change you—because it will do so in the best ways. Don’t fight it. Embrace having this wonderful new person to experience life with. Some men get it into their heads that they need to distance themselves from their daughters, but not being actively involved in your daughter’s life can have long-term, negative effects on her psychologically, physically, and socially. Having a less-than-fully present or completely absent father can lead to her experiencing intimate partner violence, self-harming behaviors, drug abuse, and more. Go beyond engaging with your daughter when her mother asks you to, when you’re court-ordered to, or when your daughter directly requests it. Be fully present and eager to be active in your daughter’s life in any way that you can. For instance, I chauffeured my daughters around while they were growing up. So, I got to hear what was going on in their lives and better understand the most pressing concerns for them as they became young women. I got the privilege of doing this and hope other fathers are afforded the same opportunity.
No matter what they were going through at any given point in their lives, my daughters knew I was there for them. And being physically present was a huge part of that. However, how I treated them during our interactions was another key factor.
Show Them What Chivalry Looks Like
When you are a father meeting his daughter for the first time, one of the first things that may come to mind in the days after her birth is everything in the world that could harm her. Physical threats like diseases, kidnappers, or school bullies can at least be managed to some degree in pretty straightforward ways (good nutrition to boost her immune system, safe travel practices to make her less vulnerable in public, self-defense courses, etc.). But in our society, there are many other things that can wreck the female mind and spirit. Your daughter will be given messages about how she “must” look, think, and act in order to “fit it,” “be popular,” or “not die single.” As if molding herself to other people’s expectations or being in a romantic relationship are the ultimate triumphs and the only goals she can (or even should) have in life.
The reality is you can’t be around them and protect them from these things every hour of the day for their entire lives. So, you’ll need to figure out how to help them help themselves and combat the concepts that can poison their self-image and confidence. One way to do this is to always be chivalrous and respectful toward them.
The same level of respect you would give to your wife, your mother, or your sister needs to be shown to your daughter as well. Being chivalrous means behaving with honesty, kindness, and courage. Communicate clearly to your daughter, including not lying to or hiding things from her. This also means being clear about your boundaries and expectations in your relationship with her. Have compassion for the fact that learning how to navigate the world is hard. No one is born with all the understanding and most of us might die without having fully figured it out. So it’s not fair or kind to hold her to a standard that we haven’t met as adults. Be compassionate and understand that she’s trying, even when she may fall short of what you hope she can achieve. Being courageous as a father means doing the hard things that are for her own good. This means having the discipline to follow through on consequences that were agreed upon for poor behavior or disobedience. It never feels good to cause our children pain of any kind, from taking a phone away to reducing playtime. But it’s a small price to pay if it helps them better understand that their actions have consequences. In my opinion. It’s a little short-term pain for the sake of their long-term wellbeing.
By treating your daughter with the respect and consideration she deserves, it becomes much harder for her to believe that she is unworthy, only deserves transactional “love,” or that it’s okay for a partner, friend, or coworker to abuse or neglect her. Many women fall into toxic relationships because they have never seen what a healthy one looks like. By showing her what a healthy relationship looks like, you help her recognize when she’s being mistreated. Abuse and neglect won’t feel familiar or normal. Open doors for her, buy her gifts just because she’s an awesome person, and praise her when she’s been generous, efficient, or creative. Make these things the norm and she won’t settle for less.
Be Emotionally Aware
Show your daughter how to recognize and fully feel her emotions. Emotions are a natural part of being a human being, no matter where you’re from or what you’ve been through. But many people run into problems when they try to ignore their emotions instead of feeling them until they dissipate. Sometimes people never have any discussions with their parents, siblings, or friends about feelings, so they learn to ignore them or bottle them up. Doing these things can cause problems like depression and anxiety, or even lead to self-harm. No loving parent wants that for their child.
Be a role model for her on how to embrace her feelings, let them run their course, and process the events that lead up to her feeling those emotions. By doing this regularly, it will start to become second nature for your daughter to recognize and process her own emotions, and even become more aware of when other people are feeling strong emotions.
The same applies to positive emotions. Modeling a healthy, positive relationship with my wife Sherry has been a cornerstone in raising our daughters. Demonstrating love, compassion, and a supportive partnership lays the foundation for them to understand what a healthy loving relationship looks like. Sherry and I make a conscious effort to celebrate each other’s successes and support each other through challenges, showcasing the importance of mutual respect and understanding in a partnership. By openly communicating and addressing issues empathetically, we provide our daughters with a blueprint for navigating their own relationships. Our commitment to each other sends a powerful message that love should be nurturing, respectful, and enduring. In this way, we hope to instill in our daughters the confidence to seek out and cultivate relationships that mirror the positive dynamics they witness at home.
Girl Dads Set the Bar
Ultimately, how you treat your daughter has a great impact on her experiences and outcomes in life. You shape her perception of how she should be treated and how she should behave. Show your daughter that she is worth your time and attention. This will make sure she doesn’t think of any lesser treatment as acceptable in her romantic, professional, or social relationships.
